When Silence Gets a Little Loud

2012-01-19T06:09:00.000-08:00

And, need to stop crying every consecutive days. How did I really, get here?

Ridiculous

2012-01-19T05:58:00.000-08:00

Even the smallest thing anyone can think of, is hurting me real bad.

My mind doesn't seem to know that there are other things better to think of rather than this and only this. This whole thing. And it's becoming absurdly ridiculous.

Beginning to feel so depressed, I drove myself to McDonald's after class today. Intention getting there was to be at peace with a McFlurry, however people were looking at me a couple of times, probably saying in their mind, "this is the most pathetic person I've ever seen." Wasn't so peaceful after all, I just left after finishing it. And today, in a very long time, I cried in public while walking on the road.

2011-12-29T05:15:00.000-08:00

I wonder if any of my reader(s) here get annoyed reading my posts... If I'm the one reading them I would be.

2011-12-29T02:47:00.001-08:00

How to live like that? Lol. Really, what can change me?

2011-12-29T02:44:00.000-08:00

I've no courage, no confidence, no anything. Made out of nothing. Just an empty box that stays in one place, stagnant. stagnant yet not stagnant.

Numb.

2011-12-28T11:03:00.000-08:00

Reflecting back to my past, like my past, past...Wow. It certainly is different. Well it is very much different as to compare to right now. But one thing that was kept constant then and now, was those friends. Those friends that I know I'd wanna keep forever. Well I hope they know it's them I'm talking about. Without them, where do I look for this kind of laughter? Without them, where can I search for these kind of nonsense jokes we can come out with? Or rather just they, cause I'm not as awesome as them. And, the ones that still stood by me after all these years. I hope you know who you are too. It just struck me how much I should be grateful to be gifted with the friendships I have around me, although it may be little, or close or not close. well hey, isn't that enough for you to be grateful? You don't need a lot to feel grateful.

One more thing that struck me, "To be loved, you have to love yourself and do what you love."

2011-12-25T11:30:00.000-08:00

No matter how tiring it is inside...Just keep going. We'll all get there someday soon.

Santa Baby (2011)

2011-12-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

So I'm here and then... Now I don't feel like posting something depressing.

:) Listening to Santa Baby. Remembering about the post I had on Santa Baby back in 2009. I seem to have repeated postings.

Santa Baby, I'd like to have shopping vouchers ;)

2011-12-16T10:22:00.000-08:00

I want to say a few things here, but even here isn't a safe place to say it out. So, rather not. Let me be.

2011-12-15T12:16:00.000-08:00

Miss.

2011-12-15T09:13:00.000-08:00

I wonder if my blog is one of the most depressing blogs ever. Yes? No? Well, I try.

2011-12-15T05:53:00.000-08:00

I was thinking this time I'd wanna change something a bit. But I'm too afraid. And so I'm defeating. And that's why I'm so sad inside. And that's why I breakdown sometimes, because though everytime I say I defeat, I don't want to give up. And everytime I say I want to give up, i just don't.

I'm weak yet, so strong.

The weakest and strongest person I've ever known in my entire life, would be me.

Want

2011-12-15T05:41:00.000-08:00

There's no reason anymore. But. Maybe I just don't want to accept it. Or do I have to accept it? I mean, how would you know? Lots of conflicting thoughts all the time at one go. Way more than this. Yet not resolved. How more complicated can I be? And this is one of the reasons. And I never knew that this day would come, where I'm all crazy in the mind and in the thoughts of my own every, single day. Can I be helped? Yes, I can. I just have to want to help myself. The key word: Want. And that one single word, solves everything. But why is it that I don't seem to want?

I'm all crazy inside. Trust.
And I can't help it.

2011-12-05T07:57:00.001-08:00

I'm ridiculous like that.

You know?

:)

2011-12-04T03:39:00.001-08:00

All you gotta do, is JUST DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

:) and you'll do just fine.

2011-11-27T10:38:00.000-08:00

"Smile and the world is yours."

Taken by the spammer at the side of my blog. Who knew spammers here can actually be quite useful.

2011-11-27T10:36:00.000-08:00

"I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want."

It's Always 'Bout Shopping

2011-11-27T10:35:00.001-08:00

Ugh, my shopping plan was ruined cause I fell sick today. I hope it'll happen tomorrow! Thanks to La Senza, I am this desperate.

Insanity/Sanity?

2011-11-26T03:37:00.001-08:00

It's funny how I read my old, old posts and realised, "hey, this is what I've been thinking today, and I see it in these old posts." Looks like, I've never changed. nor have I learned anything. What drives us this insane? Or are we just sane actually. Sane people are like that? Nah...I don't know. Oh and this caught my mind the other day;

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. - Albert Einstein

...Indeed.

2011-11-25T05:17:00.001-08:00

So empty. Did I choose this?

2011-11-25T05:13:00.000-08:00

When crying isn't enough to express it out.

2011-10-29T07:29:00.001-07:00

I don't know what it takes to have you love me. I probably just don't have it.

2011-10-29T07:26:00.000-07:00

Sigh. Again I'm an idiot. Once an idiot, forever an idiot.

2011-10-26T07:42:00.001-07:00

Or does the heart already love?

2011-10-25T00:06:00.001-07:00

That moment. I had never felt safer.

2011-10-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

Laugh out loud. I always say I don't wanna do this to myself anymore, yet I do it more often. When, you tell me, Zen. When can you be normal?

The Heart

2011-10-16T02:54:00.000-07:00

A heart wants to love, but is afraid it can't fall out of love.
A heart wants to touch, but is afraid it can't let go.
A heart wants to cry, but is afraid it can't stop.
A heart wants to fly, but I am afraid it is trapped.

2011-10-13T23:33:00.001-07:00

maybe all we gotta do is be a little bit more positive. be a positive person and see the difference it may do to you? and then it will attract positive things? i don't usually believe in that, but maybe it's time i should.

2011-10-13T23:25:00.001-07:00

had positive images in my mind for one moment, and for that moment I felt so peaceful in the inside. for once. :) though i'm not sure if it is good for me.

2011-10-12T07:20:00.001-07:00

I think maybe this is because I am not a grateful person for other little things.

2011-10-12T07:14:00.001-07:00

So anyway, why am I so desperate and hard up for these kind of things? Is my definition of happiness this limited? Have I not tried looking at other things?

2011-10-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

Maybe I cried because I never got the chance to have that kind of past with you, even if it involves many fights and conflicts.

And I don't know how to go with the flow. My flow, has always been like that. I don't know what kind of life I really want to live. If this is the kind of life I want to live, trapped in my own self and silliness, then I don't want to live. (No, I'm not going to kill myself but you get what I mean)

2011-10-09T10:54:00.001-07:00

Very disappointed of myself, for the way I'm being right now. Totally ignoring important things over foolish things in my mind every single day. Can't believe myself. I don't remember being like that in the past. OR was I just as bad? OR worse now? I feel like as the years pass by, I've never learned a single damn thing. In fact I get worse by the day. Don't know anymore.

2011-10-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

I swear this is too crazy. I swear. Actions speak louder than words so when can my actions do more than what I'm telling myself?

2011-10-04T09:51:00.000-07:00

Begging myself. Stop.

One of Those Feel Good Songs

2011-09-26T22:49:00.001-07:00

2011-09-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

I know the reasons why. Time to face facts for real and get on with life.

2011-09-02T09:30:00.000-07:00

When classes commence again, I will make sure I get back my focus on way more important things opposing to, this.

2011-08-28T07:38:00.000-07:00

Suddenly feeling like my blog is so crappy.

2011-08-28T07:28:00.000-07:00

The little things you think of that hurts you real bad.

2011-08-20T06:59:00.000-07:00

Source: lulus.com via Jessica on Pinterest

2011-08-20T06:42:00.000-07:00

I think I might die by the way I'm being right now. How to move from all these nonsense?

Going All Out

2011-05-31T22:12:00.000-07:00

Today, I feel like blogging. Like, blogging with words. As I came across a girl's blog, a thought just struck my mind; With all the many happening activities, or even just the simplest things that made her life so beautiful though she has sadness deep inside, and she just smiles... I couldn't help but wonder, are we doing enough for ourselves to see the different parts of life? Do we want to choose to live with our own sadness over potential happiness, as if you are immune to sadness already that we actually don't know to do live up our days?

Maybe it's just me. Or maybe you happen to be like me too. And as the days and years pass by, haven't we learned anything through experiences? Didn't we grow? Maybe I have in certain ways. But some part of me, doesn't. 'Cause maybe, it's just me.

You see how sad it is for a person to just stay this way and not push oneself to another level in life, where you can feel other things that you haven't felt and embrace every opportunity that is given to you. Or even if it's not given to you, do you go out there to look for it? Do you go all out? If you do, good for you.

2011-05-09T01:15:00.000-07:00

Source: agentprovocateur.com via Sutton on Pinterest

2011-05-09T00:54:00.001-07:00

Source: crazywithitcrazierwithout.tumblr.com via Katie on Pinterest

2011-04-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

Source: weheartit.com via Arielle on Pinterest

So freaking cute!

2011-04-08T21:40:00.001-07:00

Source: etsy.com via Sarah on Pinterest

I remember that heartbeat.

2011-03-25T07:13:00.001-07:00

Source: citified.blogspot.com via Olga on Pinterest

2011-03-12T09:26:00.000-08:00

Source: weheartit.com via Katherine on Pinterest

2011-03-10T05:50:00.001-08:00

Source: thompsonfamily.typepad.com via Meagan on Pinterest

2011-03-08T05:59:00.001-08:00

Source: fashionfame.com via Danielle on Pinterest

Growing Old on Me

2011-03-08T05:35:00.000-08:00

A new concept?

Yea. This blog needs to look a little brighter. For once.

:)

2011-02-07T06:46:00.000-08:00

When will you open your heart and let me in?

I still want to have that hope.

2011-01-29T23:05:00.000-08:00

Have I mention that I love Shania Twain's You've Got a Way song? It is my potential wedding song. Oh if you'd like to know, the other potential wedding song is Save Me from Myself by Christina Aguilera.

2011-01-29T22:56:00.001-08:00

but nobody really knows.

2011-01-26T19:27:00.001-08:00

What can I do to get you there?

2011-01-24T08:48:00.000-08:00

I think my posts are getting stale and not exciting much. I just wonder why.

Are we that blinded?

2011-01-24T08:26:00.000-08:00

The present of the present; how much have we seen or felt it all?

Do we tend to worry too much? Are we so caught up with what is happening to ourselves, that we forgot to look into what is happening around ourselves? Did we miss all that while we stay on the bed every night thinking about the same things & all you wish for is just wishing that things will work out your way?

Did we really miss the world & everything else that is more important & that was a potential in providing a sort of joy in you?

I didn't know it existed. That's how much I am blinded.

2011-01-24T07:23:00.000-08:00

I always seem to be the desperate one. Oh I am trust me.

2011-01-06T23:11:00.001-08:00

Desperation.

Viva forever, I'll be waiting.

Do you?

2010-12-27T00:11:00.001-08:00

Do we lose ourselves, lose what we are, when we're only caught up with our own thoughts, every day?

Do you become this other person that you don't know, without realizing?

Do you hold back to the better friend you know you are, because you just can't handle yourself anymore? You just can't deal with your own mind, that you messed up your own self?

Do you understand yourself?

Does anyone understand you even though you can't quite comprehend what you're doing to yourself?

Is it just my mind playing with me, or is this just, what I am?

Am I just destructed?

When do we get ourselves back again?

2010-12-23T04:34:00.000-08:00

So this is it?

Aku sangat susah hati. It's not suppose to be this way. What have I done...

2010-12-19T09:24:00.001-08:00

I'm now just a girl with broken hopes.

2010-12-19T08:54:00.000-08:00

I hate myself.

2010-12-19T08:38:00.001-08:00

so pathetic I am.

2010-12-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

I feel really sad right now?

I so hate this.

I hate you.

2010-12-17T10:40:00.001-08:00

I hate holidays 'cause holidays make me think more.

2010-12-17T09:23:00.000-08:00

They would leave sooner or later.

2010-12-14T21:18:00.000-08:00

What if I'm not good enough. Good enough to be loved.

Will I never be good enough?

2010-12-04T02:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just want to crave for something that feels real.

I'm getting all nervous again.

2010-11-18T10:24:00.000-08:00

I think I'm stressed?

I think I'm a little all over the place? But then again, since when I was ever in place. But this time, I really feel myself lost. Like, lost, lost?

2010-11-07T05:58:00.000-08:00

Get the madness out of me soon

I just have my own issues

2010-10-29T03:49:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a hell that no one can see.

I wish someone knows it, 'cause I wouldn't tell, because I'm just silent.

Suffocated in my own world. Get me out of this soon. Just remind me that I have a life.

Your Mind is in Disturbia

2010-10-21T01:26:00.000-07:00

My mind is always in disturbia, just that the song is in my head now, thus the title of this post.

I've got to find myself back because every passing day, I lose a piece of myself. I don't know why either. What if I lose all the pieces, then what would I become? So some way or another, I'd have to pick those pieces up again.

Why am I silent lately.

Different Yet the Same

2010-10-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

The continuation.

I'm not quite sure what am I doing actually.
You know I'm just like those wires that are meshed up into a ball. Yeah. I think I'm like that - A little all over the place.

I think some part of me wants to feel different, just so at least I won't be too much of myself. But then, again, I'm still me. But I like it though, feeling a little different at least. Or at least I can look or feel stronger for a while. But then again, not much of difference made. Because at the end of the day if you're not strong enough, inside, you'll get back to square one which is, you and your endless being.

What does being strong means by the way. I mean, by trying to be stronger which is now, does it count? Cause to me trying to be stronger is sort of being strong already. Or is it that I don't know anymore what does it feel to be strong, so being weak now, makes me strong?

Oh god. Please tell me if I'm actually making any sense. Ignore all confusions of the statements made if you must.

Lonely?

2010-10-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel afraid that you'll be left alone one day, even though you like to be alone most of the time. Maybe you don't, but I do sometimes. I guess it's true when they say nobody wants to be lonely. But then again, I like being lonely. Just me and myself. Okay fine, maybe when I totally am really alone one day I wouldn't like it at all.

Okay this post sounds a bit depressing.

Anyway I hope I'll get back to myself, or at least focus for next week's tests which I may have a possibility to flunk them. GAH.

I've been obsessive, depressing, stressed, and I don't know.

I just feel so strange these days. Different yet the same.

Who am I again?

2010-10-08T02:41:00.001-07:00

I don't want to do it anymore. It makes me feel tired when I keep failing.

Run Baby Run

2010-09-30T08:31:00.000-07:00

I hate this.

I'm not in the studying mood. Mind will go flying somewhere. Do you happen to realise that most of the things that I seem to post is about The Mind? However, I can strongly say that I won't end up as a psychologist. Believe me. I am my own psycho self I can't possibly be a psychologist. But I guess I'm in this course 'cause I think it's good to learn about this whole psychology too, as knowledge or whatsoever. And of course I think it'd be interesting to learn about human behavior. Or perhaps my behavior?

Anyway, I'm proud of my third jogging attempt. And you know, it's true that running releases stress. Even if it's not stress, somehow it releases something. And it feels great. Well other than sweating it out, it's good too. What annoys me is my lousy phone. Putting on the earphones with the good music, suddenly it'll say "operation failed" while I'm in the run. And it happens everytime. Oh well. Exercise is good. I just wish my mum would jog as well it'd be good for her but she doesn't like jogging so she walks while I jog.

Running is good. I wish I could run better when it comes to my own little world.

I don't know how to do it anymore. I really don't. Someone please, understand.

Soothes It

2010-09-28T03:21:00.000-07:00

Heels that Kill

2010-09-25T10:58:00.001-07:00

Okay so, considering that this blog seems to look a little dull lately and being bored now, I've decided to put up an image. And this image, is quite similar to what I just owned. Found this from Google Image while I was just randomly browsing after I bought my pair and I was like "Oh okay that looks familiar". But don't ask where I bought mine from.

Anyway, the differences - judging by the look of it I assume this is more than 4 inches (mine's 4), the colour is brown here (mine's in black) and the bottom strap here is well, just a strap but mine has a criss cross instead. Oh and of course! Last but not least - the prices, mention I need not obviously. A little lazy to take a picture of my pair and upload it here but if I feel like it I will.

Restless

2010-09-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

If only we could choose what we want to think about before it comes into your mind. If only we control better in the input that enters into the mind.

I don't know if I made any sense for that. Or if there's anything wrong with the sentences. I'm tired. And restless tonight. I want to dance again; had not enough last night. And dancing with those 4 inch heels; a challenge I took.

I'm suppose to start studying for this quiz. But my mind and brain ain't ready to study for it. I want to sleep as the second choice but, as usual the mind's not stopping. And heartbeat's beating fast. Don't ask why I don't know.

Some people think, what do I have so much in my mind. Well, me and only me really knows this. And only me, knows damn well how weak I am. But I know damn well too what I'm suppose to do and focus. Let's hope I won't take too long. I'm starting to beg myself.

2010-09-08T02:48:00.000-07:00

Stupid girl. Gotta try even harder. Stupid, stupid me.

Let Loose

2010-09-07T01:10:00.000-07:00

I felt so much more alive that night. I let loose on the dance floor. Feeling all free. Damn I'm telling you, it was a good feeling much. It's the only place where I forget reality. I've found that place.

And each passing day has led me to things that I never really did realise. Let the realisation be performed and change who I am. I'm starting to try a little harder than before. Yes I may be shaky at times. But I will try until I get there.

And now, I want new clothes to have me excited.

Get Up

2010-09-07T00:57:00.000-07:00

Get up, get up.

Not here again.

Just not here again.

2010-08-28T05:54:00.001-07:00

I can't stop it.

2010-08-28T02:00:00.001-07:00

Sigh.

Unbearable

2010-08-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

The noise gets louder and louder inside; it is when I'm silent.

Doesn't mean that if you're in a room where you can't hear anything at all, it is called silence. I believe that's only what you think, 'cause you can't hear a thing. But do you think that is complete silence? Where else can noise lie? It lies beyond what you can hear with your ears.

Listen harder - It's noisy and loud inside.

Unbearable.

2010-08-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

I hope I can do it. I hope it'll be how I want it to be. Nervous and afraid I am.

Too Hot to Handle

2010-08-08T05:48:00.000-07:00

Would you look at that.

Some of you might've seen this on my Facebook, but I can't help but have another post here. Imma stare at it until it's mine. Well, maybe a less-than-Jimmy Choo pair could do the bit.

I love these sexy killer heels, but I've never really owned inches like this before. I still, still had to look into comfort much. And that's the reason why I don't have many pairs. But damn.

Running

2010-08-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

Do you always have your mind running so fast.

Does it run a million miles and never did come to an end.

Does it feel like you can't stop it; it just runs even if it'd notice a pit-stop somewhere.

Does it make you feel tired.

Do you think it'll slow down one day, pause for a moment and catch its breath; catch its breath and run in a normal speed.

Maybe a walk would be better.

Because sometimes we don't realise how much it runs and it sucks you in.

But still we let it run.

Well, I hope I won't be left behind.

Wentworth Miller

2010-08-06T06:47:00.000-07:00

I've found my guy.
I'm in loveee.

Prison Break, that is.

Sigh.

Finger prints

2010-08-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

The Weather

2010-07-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, the weather. Have you ever thought of how the weather could move your emotions? Does it? No? It does to me.

Especially when it rains. It gives me a kind of calm feeling. And the rain makes me just sit and do nothing but think. Think about everything. Even something random. Many things would be circling around that little mind of mine, not that it doesn't do this to me even if it doesn't rain though. The rain, it gives me a mood to play the piano. This is what I realize. Almost everytime it rains, my fingers would be forced to be on the piano. I could play a guitar for the substitute, but I do not own one. I would love that, really. It'd be nice to have one, one that is my own. Something that you could hold. Something that would always be there to accompany. It's like having a best friend who's always there to help you express yourself in times when you couldn't.

And when there's a rainbow, I'll instantly smile. Just by admiring the colours in the sky.

I don't know 'bout having the sun, because it usually gets me grumpy. The heat, that is. :) But otherwise, the sun is good.

So what other things that would move you?
But to think about it, the weather is like an analogy of a human being - Like a person who could move you in ways.

Celeb Crafting Out of Junk

2010-06-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

Guess who?

Just found this somewhere in the forever21 blog, out of nowhere. I find it very cool. This was made out of junk by an artist named Jason Mecier who crafts celebs out of anything and everything he can find. Interesting.

Airplanes

2010-06-05T22:54:00.000-07:00

Can we pretend that airplanes
in the night sky
are like shooting stars

I could really use a wish right now
wish right now
wish right now

Bimbo and Emo

2010-05-30T04:28:00.000-07:00

I'm bimbo and emo. But I like the bimbo side of me that appears more significant than the emo. Because it hides the emo.

2010-05-30T03:56:00.000-07:00

I came home today with an awful feeling. I guess it hurts more than I thought it would.

Enough said.

Today's the last day of the blissful four weeks holiday. Loved and hated it.

It takes you to another world

2010-05-23T09:09:00.001-07:00

Like totally. That is one thing I really love about reading.

I'm finishing the book soon!

"I wanna be a billionaire, so freaking bad."

2010-05-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

Now that, has been ringing in my head every now and then. Ugh, radio songs. In relation to that; Yes! I wanna be a billionaire. So I can shop all I want whenever, wherever, however.

And yes, I know. Money can't buy happiness. But I feel happy when I own new things e.g. clothes; even if it's just a temporary feeling - I don't care. A piece of cloth still makes me happy. And it's these days in particular, I have been this shopping freak. Like literally I look like a freak in shops, two sales girls from two different shops asked me if I was okay.

I don't look okay?
I'm not okay?

Well maybe.

Reading:

2010-05-13T01:36:00.000-07:00

Oh and it's turning into a film too. I think.